mistake left unspoken

last year i was a complete bitch to this girl who used to be close to me...
i know you think this is somewhat direct but i am direct and so is my writing.
at the begining of the end of the school year, i realised my error. how i made people get to me.
so through my holiday i decided to stop caring what people said to me... i didnt before about stuff like what i wore and how i act but i now discovered people can get to you in other ways and a single comment can set a whole heart of hurt.
yes she hurt me in a way but i did not realised until one single comment from someone. i don't recall her name and yet i know her or i would not have listened to her.
the story starts like this. i met this girl who was my mum's friend's daughter at her mom's shop where my mum was giving her an injection of somekind...or was it a check up?
i don't remember. well anyway i met her and we were the sdame age and we got along great.

so i started my school year at C.B.N high school and on the first (or was it second?)day at the school sitting next to her mum. turns out she was going to school at C.B.N to. i was very happy. so this girl joined the chearleading junior squad and in the begining i i didn't mind. then when midway to the compotition this gilr pointed out to me that ever since my friend started practicing she was starting to get distant...as if to ditch me. in the begining i thought it was totaly untrue but the more i think of it the more true the words of that girl sounded...now i realise that it was because she (my friend codename iris) was socialising more and i was selfish to think that she would not... that was my first BIG mistake. i decided to get far away from her before she hurt me... 2nd mistake. 3rd mistake was that i started to listen to girls that said iris was this and taht and at that time i belived them... now i know i was stupid (i know this sounds dramatic but this can hapen in real life and is has) how can i listen to other girls opinion when i've known iris to be a very kind and nice girl who is not a bitch and knows her bearings and never will forget them. i started to say bad stuff to and now i really feel like poking a metal stick through my mouth. well, as you guessed the girls told iris... they really do see to like catfights... or maybe it was habit... of course iris heard about the things i said and said bad tings back...
at the begining someone told me that iris said something bad about me and that kindda made me even more angry... how stupid of me. it was only natural that she made a comeback at me... i would have done the same.
so yesterday i told iris that i was sorry i was such a bitch last year and i told her the deal but now i realise that i told her my fealings after the comment and not about the comment itself... so i've got to work on that but i don't think she will forgive me and hey! i can't blame her. but i told her i missed her and so and so. i was not ambaressed to admit it to her... i was completely wrong...what i did was wrong.sorry when meant isn't easy to say... it took me the whole train ride to get the guts to say anyting...
but when i did i felt as if it was useless because even if she does forgive me and we become friends again (which i don't think would likely hapen) i wonder if i ever could forgive myself for being the very thing i despise. so now i guess i've learned my lesson... and know the power of words even more than before...
i really don't have any more to say about this...so bye