stupid friends

once upon a time there were 2 kids on a bus, 1 was a girl, the other a boy. they were talking about harry potter whe they first became friends, that friendship lasted till the girl was 1 week shy of 14 and the boy was 1 month shy of 15.
i said until because as of 10-20 mins ago, that friendship ended. i'm gonna tell you why.
in my last 2 posts i wrote about a carnival and how i felt leading up to it.
the truth is that i was terrified. i did not know if every thing would work out or if it would blow.
it blew. i ended my friendship with someone that i thought was my friend. the ironic thing is that he thinks that it started only today... he's wrong. it started at the start of our friendship.
as all beginnings start, but the start of the friendship that went bad was the moment he became my boyfriend... i asked him and he said yes, now i wonder if i never asked if we would even have become a couple. yet sadly after we did i discovered that i had to change schools, and we only had a relationship (if you would call it that) through the phone. looking back, i feel stupid at my naivety. how could it work out?
and the second is that i was to young. what was i thinking?
i broke up with him
then a year later i asked to couple again.... now i felt stupid (was i that desprate?)
then he broke with me... it hit me then. that he never felt THAT way about me... and i was too young only 13 then...how stupid.
so i thought if not in that way maybe we could be just friends.
i was also pissed by the way he did it... but never mind about that.
i always found it hard to talk to him...in the last few years
so today at the carnival, i felt totally left out. i wondered if i should have gone in the first place.
aqil's (capoeira's) b'day is next month, but i thought since today is the only day i could see him in person, i could give him the gift.
so this morning when i arrived i called aqil like he told me to. then he met me at the entrance. he took me to the 2nd floor to meet his friends, i met 2. i remembered sofia... sofia is nice.
so i told him i wanted to go down to get coupons.
i did and came back up.. then went back down cuz my ex art teacher is now teaching in the school i'm supposed to go to ... in a way an ex- school by way of supposed-to-go.
after that i looked up and he was gone. so i had to look for someone else to hang out with that i could stand. suraya had a shift at her school stall and most of the guys are egnoring me. eg. armand,adam naim (who used to be my best friend, but i guess he doesnt want to talk to me)
so i went with atiqah for a while, then on our way up to the haunted house i saw a kid who looked just like aqil's lil bro, so i gave the present to him and askerd him to give it to his bro cuz i kinnda knew i wont see much of him (despite him telling me he was going to intro me to some of his friends)
so i did bump into him some... hour later(or that was how it felt like)
i told him to look for his bro... he said his bro was at home, he showed me a pic and called aqid (his lil bro) true enpugh he was at home.... shit!!!! that was bad!
so i went in earch of the present and on the way i lost atiqah...
great so at this point i lost my former best friend's b'day present, my hang out friend and my former best friend.
so i had to search for someone else to hang out with.
endded up with suraya for a while, then her family came i scooted (no point in intruding their family together time)
by 1 i was alone, angry and depressed, so i called ash (ashileen, its a she) and told her everything, the only thing i could think of is my then friend abandoned me after saying that he wont!!! i do not expect aqil to spend 24/7 with me... that is just selfish... but to abandon me like that is just.... crude!!!! and SELFISH and THOUGHTLESS and... and IRISPONSABLE and BASTARDISH!!! i was crying into the phone with ash!!! you have no idea how alone i felt!!!!
how abandoned...how WORTHLESS, and this is not the first time!!!
even before i thought how hard it was to communicate with aqil... even after years of knowing each other!!! i realized that neighther of us know each other or have anything in common.
i have been contemplating endding the friendship a week before the carnival, but my friends talked me out of it... told me to give it another chance... i am going to yell at them when i get back to school!!!!!
and to make it worse, while i was going over to the dunk tank to dump aqil as a friend i met with the boy whom i gave the present to, i told him to take me to it and he did, i appologized and called aqil for his whereabouts... at the dunk tank i gave him the present and told him i needed to talk to him, i took a private spot and told him

m: this is the last present i'm going to give you and the last time you'll hear from me...we are no longer friends
a:ok (shruging his shoulders looking indiferent)
A:may i know why (still looking indiferent)
M:because you left me going like a school, like an idiot.....blah blah blah (i dont remember this part)
A:yeah kinnda
M:so i'm not your friend anymore
A: ok( and he went off)

i walked away thinking of wat just hapened. i turned back and called him

M: you're a prick
A: yeah okay (indiferently)

right.....i went home in a storm of anger thinking how stupid i was to this heartless asshole, while calling ash and saying the "F" word profusely as well as other exploitives.
people were starring. i couldn't give a damn.
i did cry, but they were tears of anger... i seldom cry because i'm sad. its normaly cuz i'm either really anoyed or really angry.
after the carnival i got a txt..
it was the bastard saying sorry and that he understood if i did not want to communicate further.
i asked him what exactly did he understand
he said that i was angy he abandoned me when i was running around school looking looking for his present...
i told him he did not understand anything
he said enlighten me
i said GO TO HELL
i told him that sorry meant shit in black and white.

while i was looking for the present!!!
HE DID NOT EVEN REALIZE HE ABANDONED ME WAY WAY WAY BEFORE THAT!!!!!
what i'm realy terrificly angry at is the way he responded to me when i endded the friendship.... like i meant nothing to him... not even a cent... not even less than that.
that is one thing that i will never TRUELY forgive in a long long LONG time!!!!
let me tell you what i felt... i felt worthless,stupid,betrayed,abandoned,regretful that i wasted 6 years on him and most of all, i felt ANGRY.
SO AQIL, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, I'M SORRY I CALLED YOU A BASTARD,
I SHOULD HAVE CALLED YOU A F****ING @$$HOLE!