past midnight rantings

Growing up is never easy but i have to say i have grown in the past 6 month...wow, its already been 6 months.i'm not the person i was at then end of last year, i have changed radically. for the worse?
fuck if i know.
stories and decisions that made no sense to me before suddenly hold meaning, frankly, i'm scared shitless!
new emotions, jealously, hate, acceptance, longing, getting over the longing and writing about longing and getting over the longing. not just that, friendships now mean more to me than ever, i've started to get ATTACHED to something, that is debate. i actually care about it, and that scares me shitless too.

My mum is starting to annoy me more ( i was honestly wondering when i would start to get annoyed by her seriously in the ways the movie depicted, waited for it, didnt think it would ever happen...now i can feel all the directors of teen disney movies ponting and laughing gleefully at me) i actually want to be ALONE and think things over (as in ummi dont BOTHER ME!)
starting to listen to the actual lyrics of songs (i currently have the lyrics to "save yourself" stuck in my head....jeez thanks to the person who intro's them to me. this is ur fault)

I also learned a lot about the opposite sex, mostly that they are actually capable of having feelings and that not all of em are assholes just most. and most of the time they don't even know they're being assholes. and some know perfectly well but because of some reason i cannot fathom (which annoys me) they keep on doing what it is they're doing and play with you like a doll, i gues if you treat life like a joke, then you treat ppl like a joke, i just hope the ppl start treating the person like a joke in return. but what would that solve? ah. fuck.its not as if i was never a bitch before. emotions make you do stupid things, sometimes i wonder how something so illogical could be triggered by a perfectly well,organized and logical system like the brain that sends out hormones that scientists claim produce emotions.

fuck it all. i'm going to sleep, and hopefully i wont wake up tomorrow in time for school.

The rabbit hole

I hate it when I say hello
And he smiles
I hate it when he makes me
Feel happy
I hate yo so much
But at the same time
I yearn for your touch

Oh NO! not again
I'm falling, I'll hurt myself
Again
I don't want to pick up the pieces
Every piece I pick up
The wall comes back stronger
The more i break
The less time it takes to fix
I don't wanna care less
But i don't wanna be in distress

Why cant you just
STAY the way you are?
Why can it just work out
And not end in a war?
Why cant i just fall and have you catch me?
Why cant i just fall and be happy?
But no
When i fall i hit the sidewalk
I'll be torn, i don't wanna talk

Too many questions and no answers
I'm tired of asking
You're just wasting my time
You play around
You'll never be mine
And I'm tired of trying
I'm tired of searching
"I don't want this" cried my mind
But my hear isn't so kind

The rabbit hole is deep
The rabbit hole is steep
So easy to fall in
So hard to get out
Nobody knows how deep it goes
All you know is that

Your heart leads you there
You will start to care
You'll remember the smell of their hair
And when they're gone
You'll be the one in the nightmare
You'll be the one with the blank stare

from another perspective

there are two parts of this poem, form the perspective of two people.part one is from a teenage boy and part two is from a teenage girl. generally the theme is fucked up families.enjoy :) drop comments if you have any constructive criticism to drop, or just comment for the heck of it, i dont mind.

Part 1

Life everyday...living in fear
I try to run away
But somehow i end up back here
Who can i turn to?
Who can i talk to?
I try not to cry
I'm afraid to.

My father fucked up his life
By having me
HE tells me everyday of this history
His pride is so big...he hates my mother
He hates that i remind him of his time with her

As she looks at me, she remembers him
As he looks at me, he remembers her
So much of hate in one family
The evidence scars my body

Part 2

I never knew him that well
Maybe once in a while i see him
Thats all
When he died, I felt cold
I didn't care
But when they pulled the glass out
All i could do was stare
I tried to cry and some tears came out
But worse was my mother,for once she cried aloud

The money was important
More important than me
They acted all kind
They made us blind
But when he went
It was plain to see
The family was rich with hypocracy

I moved away, I stayed clear
I listened to the phone calls
They'll ask "why aren't you here?"
To which I nod and pretend
The words I want to say
Will only offend

Debate @ KDU

hell, i have not written a word for a long time (including homework). so how did i find myself jotting down numerous word on topics i did not know shit about? debate. that's how. we were given 20 minutes of prep time. every speker has to speak for tops of 7 mins. so basicly we craped a lot. even through the haze of crap the CBN team managed to make it to the quarter finals but we had the bad luck to run into SMK King George v. we lost. duh. but for a first timer winning 5 debates out of 7 is pretty damn great. The whole time we were debating with KGv i was taking notes on how to improve my debating skills. shhhh. dont tell my team, they'll slaughter me alive.

Apart from the debate anthics i found myself making friends with new people and reconnecting with some old friends (who has yet to return my fish), i met some kids from SMK BUD (3), some dudes from la salle and kepong. new old friends from SMK BJ (the SMK i was supposed to go to), some Asunta girls,some MGS girls, one girl form some school in johor that i met in the bathroom and some girls from CBN who i've known by sight but never really bothered to find out their names (i'm glad i did through).

As for the guys in debate. I have no idea why but i think that some gals rounded up all the funny, cool, good looking guys , shoved them into a van and drove them to the KDU debate. WHO ever said that debaters were geeks, must have been jocks... or blind. This was the only place where the guys were capable to make FRIENDS with girls instead of falling in love with them on sight and wolf whisling like a hyena whose balls are being chomped on by pirannas (i'm talkin about you St john, most of the jocks anyway).

We had weird topics, amongst them, should the USA assasinate Ahmadinejad,Should they give away free condoms in public schools, should homosexuality be included in sex education, should there be military intervension in sumalia (we debated that one, and i only found out AFTER the debate that sumalia does NOT have a working government), and the final debate between KGv and Sri Permata was along the lines of, religious sites are credible targets for war. On the gov site was KGv. They lost but to be fair, i thing they got a shit bomb and sensitive topic. They also debated with class unlike the Permata boys who were openly laughing at them and acting totally unprofessional.

hehe, i met my old school at KDU and decided to say hi to the team. Then,i found out that a certain old friend was in debate....i was like, WTH!!! oh well, fine. he was there the first day, but we were so busy that we only managed to talk on the 2nd day. i have not seen this good friend of mine for around 2 years i thing but i have known him since i was 9 (i think). it was good to finally see him after so long and we caught up. The girls of CBN were taking pictures of him (including the one where he was doing his dr evil, i'm-gonna-destr0y-the-world-one-austin-powers-at-a-time pose) i'm kinda afraid they're gonna put in in our school mag next year.

Over all i had a great time, despite feeling like throwing up before every single debate and having a poli-urea moment during every one of my debates (the feeling of wanting to pee which is trigered by being extremely butt-numbingly sphinchter-muscle-relaxingly nervous). I hope i'll be able to do this again for a long time. A little inside joke for my old friend

the evolution of man